Loving is Knowing

So this whole love thing has got me confused. I have such an idealistic view of life and love and such that when things go wrong I can’t stand it. When things aren’t right with me and Amanda, it must be her fault for messing up the plan, ‘cause I already figured it out. When friends let me down or aren’t there, they must not be with the program. I am a closet obsessive compulsive. My mood rides on things going as plan more often than not. My thoughts and ideas must be conveyed clearly so that one can know exactly what I am thinking. (You wouldn’t disagree with me if you knew what I was thinking, or would you? I disagree with myself all the time.)

So, love. I am thinking that loving someone is like knowing someone deeper, caring about their thoughts and ideas. Marriage seems to be the most tangible idea of two people learning and knowing everything about each other, loving each other. When you get that close you have to find things that are wrong with each other, right? We are all human, aren’t we?

I guess what I am saying is, is that this love thing is hard. I can’t do it! I am so selfish. I want people to love/know me but not have to do the same. Is that the way I treat my friends; my family; the woman I want to marry me and know me more than all of them? Is that the way I treat Jesus, my King? He calls me to love him the most, more than myself, and to love others as much as myself; to want to know their ideas and thoughts as much as I want them to know mine; to want to dive in to their world as much as I long to have time to myself. (Which is a lot!) I attempt to do this on a daily basis and always end up more selfish with my time and more set in my thoughts.

Don’t get me wrong. My thoughts are GOOD. I have spent plenty of time dwelling on them. But shouldn’t my thoughts on any matter be equal to another that sees and understands the matter? Shouldn’t all thoughts be dwarfed in light of God’s? Isn’t that why we say “Your will be done, on Earth and Heaven”? Maybe I care too much what I think and not enough about what God thinks. Maybe I love myself more than those around me and God. I guess this whole blog thing is about what I think. If I am to love Jesus and his people the way I am asked, I cannot love my self more than either. That’s hard for me, well all of us. But, if I am to mimic God’s love for the church with my love for Amanda, I must enter that relationship loving her more than I have ever known. If I am to love people and love God, I need a model and power from God. We all need Jesus, to strengthen us when love gets tough, when knowing someone means making room, when our idealistic world is shattered by reality. We all need Jesus, to empower us to love the way we so desperately need to be loved. I need to know Jesus more! (Instead of Blogging I should be Bibleing.)